dont leave the darkness of your shadow lurking around my loneliness cause I cant see my own reflection all that is present inside was once my masked perfection but now just pure weaknesses

why do things get depressing?
I WANT LIFE BACK.
Jesus, I need you!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

you know what's weird?
i look at myself, the girl in the old photographs, and i wonder what guys saw in me.
why would they like a girl who looks like that!
i guess they are not so superficial after all right.

and then i swing to the other end of the spectrum and question. why do some people dislike me? i mean, yea, i have plenty of flaws. but don't you too? why must there be this feeling of dislike? contempt? displeasure? why?

why not just dislike the things i do but still be okay with me?
i mean, why do people even hate other people? you mean everything about them is bad?
and what is bad about them is what it is. you don't have to love it, but why dislike them? just like, let it be. you can stay away from them and leave it neutral. but what do people talk about it, think deeper about it, which by the way, is sinking themselves deeper into it, and may i emphasis that they dislike this attribute that they are now seemingly dwelling on. why get involved? why not just don't get caught up in all this hating and record keeping?

you know what i think? people secretly like to hate others. they just feed on this feelings of dislike, EVEN THOUGH it is a dislike. it's so unnecessary. everyone can be happy and dandy if they just steer clear of potentially hazardous relationships. if you really do have to work together, make it work why don't you! easier to hate? well, means you like to hate. it's weird right. liking to to dislike. totally weird.

it just happened /

I'm determined to prove that i can survive without a close guy friend in my life. just watch me.

meanwhile, i'm facing a dilemma.
some things happened. over a span of time. people changed. feelings over turned. judgement from me? how about broken trust. betrayed. kicked aside.

what do i do?
what did i do?

how to be a good friend to a friend who befriends you with words that don't last.
the friendship wrecked?

to care or not to care?
to feel or not to feel?
to speak or not to speak?
to react, to respond? does it even make a difference to you?
or do you already see me through a lens that you put on yourself but blame me for changing.
DO YOU EVEN REALISE WHAT YOU'VE BECOME.
DO YOU EVEN SEE ME TRYING.
DO YOU EVEN SEE ME HURTING.
DO I STILL HAVE A PLACE IN YOUR HEART.
WHO AM I IN YOUR EYES.

love is blind.
and so it blinds her.

love is unselfish.
only to the one intended recipient of the love.

am i being unfeeling by thinking this way?
am i a lousy friend for feeling this way? for saying these things?
am i just suppose to quietly endure everything?
how much longer can i really take it?
what else is left of you that i can still recognize?
will it still be there?

you told me to call when this happens. but now when i call, you turn a deaf ear.
should i just let you fall, get hurt, and learn it the hard way?

why cant you see that real friends don't support your bad decisions. but that doesn't mean that we're not there for you.
but apparently being there now seems to be standing in your way.
yet being there is not enough for you.

i tell myself to trust you.
i tell myself that you have not changed.
i tell myself that you still care for me in ways i do not see.
i tell myself that i need to be a good friend and keep holding on.
i tell myself that when i feel like you're blaming me, you're not.
i tell myself that even though you're walking down a wrong road, i'll walk behind you and pick up the pieces. and when you finally realise how far you've strayed, i'll be there to walk back with you. together.
i tell myself that it is worth it. that you are worth it.
i tell myself that i must seek to understand, and not be understood.
i tell myself that this is a growing opportunity for me.
i tell myself that through this, i can grow in love.
i tell myself that God is still in control.
i tell myself that this what friends do for friends.

stop dwelling on it reen. face it. it has happened. don't keep sulking about it. take it. positively. whatever you feel, cast it aside. don't let your feelings cloud your judgement. if not how different are you from them?

but i really wish, i really really do. that i don't feel this way. it is really so paralyzing and it consumes me. yet it all seems so oblivious to you.
i can't blame you. i just can't. i won't. i shouldn't.i must not.

Oh dear Lord, please help me. give me the strength to accept the things i can't change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference. may your peace be with me, so that i can make it through this.

it just happened /

Thursday, January 06, 2011

i just wanted to pop by and say, gosh. i can't believe that i made it through 2010 without visiting this self-proclaimed "trash can" (:
it's 2011(:
my self-proclaimed special year!! (:

well, i must admit that there were many occasions i felt that i needed to come here to rant. but i guess reen is starting to grow up! note the phrase, STARTING to grow up..
i'm not grown up yet.. and a part of me really doesnt want to move on with life.. but i'm still proud of how "maturely" i handled the samuel heng drama! speaking of which, remind me to find the paper where i wrote down everything that happened on the most bitter-sweet night of 2010.. i actually wished i wrote down the whole process so i'd see the big picture now.. don't you think it'll be exciting? and more imptly, i think i'll learn lessons from it.. GAH, WHO AM I KIDDING. oh, i dont think i blogged about ji *** and h*ng w** too right.. i have a paper on ji *** too.. will get my hands on it and compile soon! for my own collection of stories for my future kids/grandkids!! and reading my 2009 organizer, i was reminded of mr gerald the con-man! haha. i have a truly exciting life

and on a side note, seriously, sometimes i wonder why i'm like that. a part of me accuses 90210 for corrupting my mind and awakening my "lustful" side. haha. anw, for your info dear blog, and my imaginary faithful readers, i have switched to diary-ing on a real diary because well, this "relatively grown up girl" feels more secure doing so.. and that the world wide web is too accessible these days.

to end this post, i just want to mention my gorgeous eye candy to make him part of this diary! he is hot hot hot, high in demand (alot of girl fans) haha. he has a cool band, and we are fated! same jc! and hong hong's bf's ex-bestie! haha.

and just for fun, i always wondered, will i end up marrying a chan?? first MO MO then now the da-yang-tian-look-alike mr eye candy!! haha. eh, jo agreed that he has the same kind of charm k. and i totally forgot i called mo mo, mo mo.. haha. and you know what? we're still in contact! unbelievable right?! AND HE STILL DOESNT KNOW MY BIRTHDAY. seriously. why do i even bother replying his lame smses. sheesh.

reen, signing off.

p.s
spiritual life is on a high(:

it just happened /

Sunday, May 31, 2009

at first i thought, hmm. i dont hate you. but i dont have to like you either. because i seriously just DONT GET YOU.

but now,
I TOTALLY CANNOT STAND YOU. THE SIGHT OF YOU MAKES ME FEEL LIKE PUKING. I AM UTTERLY DISGUSTED AND DISAPPOINTED.

TEN reasons why I feel this way:
1) you phunked with my girl's heart.
2) you are a FRICKIN' BIG FLIRT. do you even have what it takes, dude. PLEASE LAH. LOOK IN THE MIRROR FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.
3) you're not helping jo and in fact making things harder for her. bastard. I WNA SELL YOUR GUTS ON EBAY.
4) you are uber fake. so fake till i cant even tell if you're being fake that you're fake.
5) you are such a moron. you are trying to make jo CRAWL back to you when YOU are the loser that cant live without her!
6) YOU ARE PLAIN SELFISH. and did i mention, you think mostly abt, well, no one else but YOU.
7) you're the most idiotic idiot of all idiotic idiots who are idiotically idiot. you have no self-control or will power and your rashness causes you to act REALLY stupidly. or maybe you're just plain stupid. i dont know. it's quite hard to tell.
8) you have a motive behing everything you do. I would call you scheming, but heck, I dont even call those schemes or plans. any dumb bell can see through your pathetic ploy and lousy acting.
9) you're truly one of the best living example of a jerk. even when courting her, you can bring yourself to say those stuff to hurt her. ARE YOU A MAN A NOT?? you unappreciative, insensitive, greedy, evil beast!
10) despite your leaders warnings, you went ahead. and you played with her. your disobediance cause the both of your so much misery. you brought it upon yourself, while she, she was protecting you all the way and even came to a point where she lied to her best friends JUST SO YOU BOTH CAN CONTIUNE GOING DOWN THE WRONG ROAD. the things she does for you outweigh any of your lame, retarded love notes, anyday. and well, congrats. you did it. you screwed up her life. nice job pal, i hate you.

it just happened /

Saturday, April 25, 2009

aahhhhhhh. i dont even know where to start..

i'm in my own pity party. i hate how i'm feeling now. i keep crying like some loser. but i cant help it. cause honestly, I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO. this sucks. i wish it was all a dream.. at first it was okay. then i thought about it. oh my God! i was betrayed? she lied? so everything has just been a whole set up? was our friendship fake too? these 11 years.. i cant believe it. it's all so drama! oh my God! dont you think it's too siao alr?? too siao to be real. oh my GOD. oh my GOD!!! i really cant believe all that's happening. it's too much for me. i cant comprehend.. i cant UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HECK IS GOING THROUGH HER MIND. i'm in disgust. how she continues to just cover a lie with another lie.. LIKE HELLO. I KNOW IT ALL ALR?? and why do you have to lie?? ESPECIALLY TO ME, JOANNA WONG.

i discovered you were still in contact with joel. despite our disapproval.. grace's disapproval. and freaking JEREMY'S DISAPPROVAL. which part of THIS WHOLE THING IS WRONG do you not get?? and the worse is, i fell for the whole holy moly story.. all this while, when pple were putting you down, i stood by you. those long hours on the phone. just nothing but your crying d ranting. and i never condemned you. so why?? jo why??? please tell me why.. why you lied to me. i thought you trusted me. i thought we were friends. close close friends.. LOYAL FRIENDS. are you kidding me? seriously. you think your lies will do the trick huh? YOU FREAKING THINK IT'S SO DARN SIMPLE HUH. YOU THINK WE ARE IDIOTS. i dont even feel like i'm your friend. like ca mon. you order me around, scold me, give me attitude, always want things your way. and now, even MANIPULATE ME?? okay, i'm speaking worse case scenario first okay. like how i felt at first. i was hating you like siao. because i felt as if my husband committed adultry! like, "OH! we're gna be BFFs, i love you like siao. i will always be there for you.." but noooooooo, you had to make things difficult. you had to put on this stupid front that made me look like a moron defending you, speaking up for you. when all this while, THEY WERE RIGHT ABOUT YOU. i cant believe you have the audacity to even think i would have fallen for your ploy. okay FINE, i did. but i thought you were my loyal friend. HOW COULD YOU. you cut me so so so deep.. from jian wei, to joel.. nothing changed. you said so many things.. how you were afraid on one hand. then suddenly, eh? how come so many pple know!? EH. YOU FREAKING DECLARED TO THEM. right. so much for being discreet. and like, your good friends were the last to know.. wonderful. and i cant stand how you can act. like, you know the guy likes you. and you cocnt being so.. URGH. sorry. FLIRTY. so make them keep liking you.. walao. you know what i said abt you not jo? that pple were misunderstanding you. how you didnt care what pple thnk. how you had such courage. to not be affected by what pple said. that's what you told me. APPARENTLY. you said, aiya. cant be bothered to explain to them. and another thing. you told us at the playground that if we wanted to know anything, we can ask you and you will tell us. but yea, you told us alright. you told us A BUNCH OF LIES. you're pathetic. i'm sure you can do better than that. and oh my God. i actually told ppl that you were an example to the younger youth. right. they look up to you alright. but they say stuff like, i can wear short skirts because jo wong also wear.

i understand, after much thinking. reading. but i dont know whether to believe if they are real. i cant anymore. after so much lying. lies that have been said since way back. but only uncovered recently. i really cant bring myself to believe you. but on account on our friendship for so many years.. i'm willing to give it one last shot. although i did tell samy i couldnt find a reason to.. i manage to get in touch with the human side of me. thank God. so this is what i came up with..

1) i dont know if it's an excuse but.. you grew up in an environment where you were pampered and spoilt. thus i cant blame you for your princess nature. i've learnt to deal with it. i'm kinda immune to it alr. but because of that, you have that emptyness in you. that causes you to constantly turn to guys to fill that void. we cant understand cause we're not you. so i'm trying my best to sympathise as much as i can. i give in to you. so much till i treat you better than i treat my own sister.. and my own mother. why, i ask myself.. why can i stnad up to mmy mom, argue with her, have cold wars, but simply not dare to stand up to you..

well, now i do, ocasionally. sorry but i've learnt to become like you, i guess.

2) you are afraid of letting pple know cause deep down inside you're struggling. you put on a strong front. saying you dont care what pple say. but you do. you hate second opinions. esp on how you shld react to things. and i can understand. but my dear. you have adpoted the wrong solution.. and i rly cant understand why you keep allowing yourself to sink deeper and deeper into it..

3) i see the amt of self control you have. you claim that the guy keeps calling you. making it hard for you. but i discovered in malaysia that you called him. you initiated it. after jeremy's warnings.. hello?? STRIPPED OFF LEADERSHIP POSITION LEH. crazy. you know how serious is this a not?!

4) i cant believe i defended you. okay fine, maybe i'm over reacting. maybe your encounters with God are real. those "God i'm counting on you" stuff. but seriously.. just look at the fruits your tree is bearing. i'm not trying to judge you. i dont bear good fruits myself. but my dear, if you say you trust God, say all those holy things you tell me.. why do you do otherwise?? like, you say you are not gna wait for him. you have made it clear. God was the one who convicted you saying it's not the right time.. and you still do so much for him?? from his birthday to his working period where you go allllllllll the way to meet him. get caught tgter in public so many times alr. kena warn so many times alr. wahlau. WHY JOANNA?!
yet all this time, i didnt condemn you. so why did you have to lie to me.. you really hurt me so so deep. i thought we had trust. i thought we were friends. i thought i could count on you too.. and yes, I THOUGHT. i can only hope now. because i'm wrong. we're not as close as we thought we were.. there's so much i didnt know. those i knew were half true. and all this time i was just a puppet. not a friend. i dont know you jo. neither does joel. and you dont know him. he's a biig fat flirt. winking at gladys, trying to suck up to girls. OPEN YOUR EYES. DIDNT WE TELL YOU THAT YOU DESERVE BETTER. gladys was right.. even if your were to get together, you're not truly in love. cause the person you love, is not the true person. i really dont know who you are jo.

5) screw the numbering. i cant even get my thoughts straight. i'm so confused. JL's asking me to tell grace. but the consequences are horrible. and i'm such a bitch. i will really make things look bad. deep down i still love you. i rmb the radio dedication. and i rmb the loyal pals. i rmb VAUGELY, some moments that make me wna give it one last shot. i'm tired. i'm so numb. and too hurt to think straight. i'm drunk in pain. i'm lost in my own arguments. i love you yet i hate you. and i hate that i hate you but i cant help it. there's just too much to take it. i cant handle it. i'm gna burst. the two face thing.. i'm trying to reason that it's a self defence mechanism.. but yet, it's too out of hand. it's too much for me. i have a big ego. i cant see past my hurts.. my views. my emotions. but all i know is that you are a great leader and i dont want anything to happen to you, or whatever that's left of our friendship.. i really want to understand jo. i really do. and i'm so frustrated that i cant. it makes me feel like i fail as a friend. that all these years i spend with you, yet i still fail to see how you're like and support you against all odds. i'm trying my best. believe me. against all reason, i'm still holding on to you. no matter how much it hurts. and i really dont want to tell on you. but JL says it's the right thing to do. i really dont know. because i'm too lost myself. so i guess this is it. i'm gna freefall and hope God turns it for the better. i need to let grrace know about everything. in malaysia, the movie. the jian wei. the daily outings. the serect phone calls. the lies. the mathieu thing. i'm a bitch yes. and there's a high risk you'll hate me. but i guess it cant get more painful than it alr is for me.. but for you, it's just a down hill ride. i really dont want you to go through that. but JL says it's the right thing. it's for your own good..

i really cant bear to see what's gna happen next.. the humilation of being stripped off a leadership position role. all because of me and my big mouth. and my selfish thought of not wanting you to caryy on with that jerk and not having to be accountable for not putting you in the light. ah whatever. it's final that i'm telling grace. what she does is another thing. i just cant believe everything that is happening now lah. it's really very super drama for it. and when i think abt everything my only reaction is to cry. cause i rly dont know what else to do. it's beyond me.

it's really eating me up

one moment i rly cant stand her

and the next i feel so sorry for her

like she really cant help what she's doing and that she's really trying her best

and that she's struggling like mad yet all the leaders know how to do is scold scold scold

i feel very useless as a friend. i cant believe i'm saying this but, i really hate myself for not being able to help jo.. as much as i dont want to, i'm not left with any choice. Thank God. cause i cant decide anw. hahahaha.

i want to see my shooting star. then just let me leave this world and go heaven to be with God where there is no pain.

it just happened /

Sunday, December 14, 2008

this sucks la. i'm really trying my very best to like, gek it. but wah. BUAY TA HAN! okayokay. let me fill you in on the details first alright.
first, the joel and joanna thing kinda got out of hand during youth camp. my cover up (where by i refuse to acknowledge that joanna told me she likes joel) kinda fell apart. everyone saw with their own eyes how close they were at camp and so.. yea. seeing is believing. so now joy's upset, joanne, heng, michelle, qianhui and gang and like, everyone is talking about it. it's become such an issue eza from r1/2/ ngee ann poly is part of the entire discussion..

i admit, on my part, it was wrong to lie in the first place. and it was wrong there after to discuss abt it with friends instead of confronting jo or like, correcting her on the spot. (oh wait. i wasnt even there.) note how big mouths can spead news SO fast, SO rapidly till it seems as though you had witness the news first hand. ha. anw, i always told them to keep an open mind. because you always need to hear the other side of the story before you pass a judgement/verdict whatever. but then again, who gave us the right to judge anyway? judge and you will be judged accordingly, no? i think it's in romans? what the heck. i'm barely scratching the surface! need to be more precise! haha.
kk. back to the point.
anw, me glad mich talked in the bunk on weds night (when things began to spark off and i blew my cover by agreeing that things have come to a point where it's so obvious that they like each other.) and we talked on the bus back. and apparently is was super obvious to jo that we were doing it. but hey, i rly tried okay. i dno whether you call it poisoning, but yea, i felt like like i was being poisoned by stories after stories and all the feelings michelle listed out that i never even knew i felt. she quoted countless instances which brought back alot of unplesant memories that i thought i forgot and got over. but i was wrong. so then came the need for "REEN TO TALK TO JO". and yea. i felt as if i was the only avenue they had to reach wong and like, get her side of the story. and it stinks la. i feel like i'm a victim too. and like, need someone to go talk to her on my behalf.. (SO CES, IT AINT EASY FOR ME TOO KAY.) it may seem to be a prvillege, and yea, to a certain extent it is. but like how responsibility comes with power, trust and accountability comes with such talks too.
OH MY GOD. talks. yeeessss. the reason why i came here agn, is because peepoonehbutt, yea, the supposedly closest friends on the planet, had a "showdown" on saturday, 13 december. well, it sucked if you asked me. some things were better, but on a whole, it became worse. i wld spare you the details, but ca'mon. it's a private blog and so i have my right to rant. haha. (sorry johnson. i knw i said i was okay.. actually i was. because i blew the whole thing out of proportion. hey, i fell asleep that night k. though i said i had trouble doing so.. but look, even if i wanted a listening ear, maybe you're just not the best candidate. i knw you're nice but it's freaking me out, serioiusly.. you need to back off abit yea?)
!
point form time! (desperately need to get this off my chest!)
we sat down to talk.
glad started the ball rolling by being super honest. kudos to you babe.
then the next thing that rolled was tears.
and woah, rly became very jia lut man.
i rmb glad saying/almost yelling/screaming: reen, i'm super angry. very very angry. and i dont know why.
damn it.
she told me the day after that it was because that there was just so much to say and that, she didnt know how to say them. and she wanted michelle in the conv so badly.
and then jo explained herself. started opening up. telling us how blantant everything was. she was not blind. or stupid. she saw, heard. felt. and yea. she cried too. and i tried to help by further substantiating her point by telling glad/ces whatever she told me. summarise everything.. and suddenly.
CES TOTALLY LOST IT.
damn angry damn angry daaaamn angryyyyy. (as in, ces was damn angry)
ahe felt super URGH. that she didnt knw ANYTHING. and that wong always told REEN and REEN only.
jo explained her insercurity(feel as though she's the only one going through this kinds thing), fear (of what we wld think)...
reen said how she didnt know alot of things also. jo only told me she and jw were together only like, this year too. after everything happened.
ces argues. but i didnt even knw abt jian wei till valentines day.
reen rebutts. dude, at least we told you. hello. do you even know who is alfred?
ces. no. your never tell me anything. and sometimes i feel like i'm closer to my school friends than your. BAM. reen BUAY TAH HAN. her face.... eerrugghh! may i point out that she totally wanted to just walk off.
reen talks back. hello. ever occurred to you that maybe you werent there most of the time?
jo adds, sometimes i feel comfortable sharing with reen cause well, your dont share with me your stuff too. glads tells nana heng and blah.. (yea ces. i dont see you telling me abt the guy you like in sch so why shld i man.)
CES: REEN, THAT'S BECAUSE I DONT LIKE ANY GUY IN SCHOOL.
*but i bet that there's a guy in sch who likes you?* ah, darn. shld have said that. anw, this went on for i dno how long. and alot of things said just pierced my hearts.
one being how all of us felt that we seem so close to the outside world. but between us, is just a big void of nothing-ness. quote: superficial.
then reen tries so salvage saying how friendships are more than just the amt of things we knw sbt each other, and that this was God given. that God was the centre of it all. ( and ces says I DONT AGREE)
reen almost fainted. gladys says she's hurt by what ces just said and points out that she agrees with me. but sypathises with her as ces has been feeling excluded for very long and has been complaining to glad.
quote from ces. do you know how it felt when like, michelle had to call me and tell me everything that was going on? REEN SAYS. DUDE. SHE CALLED ME TOO MAN. and like, ca'mon la. it's clearly a two way thing. you wna knw, you ask. CES, BUT I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO ASK? reen, wanting to give up, states and example. i heard abt isabelle's dad. and i wanted to know more. i asked. i know when he was discharged blah. cause i asked. and ces, yes there are things i do with my friends that i dont do with you, like bra shopping. but that's because they tell me abt the bra sale at john little. we talk abt our bra sizes. but we dont. and so, THERE.
jo speaks, yea. and i think it's okay that other than the princesses, we have other outside friends. all nodds. except ces.
ces: yea. like how your are closer to michelle than me blah blah, not exact words.
reen in tears by now. tells ces abt the night on carmen's birthday. where i desperately needed someone to talk to. called her, called them. all busy. but ces said. you can call me later. like. hmm. mich wld have said, babe, I'LL CALL YOU LATER. or she wld probably drop everything to talk to me. *on ces' defence, i wld say that she didnt knw i was crying and thus acted likewise. and ces said in her own defence that her mom doesnt allow her to talk on the phone whatever. but ca mon la, you can call your consolidation contacts, what more a crying desperate reen? what the heck. mind over matter please. and then ces mentions abt how she became close to mel cause we ignored her when she pung seh-ed us at a date few years back. BOY DOES SHE KEEP RECORDS.
but like hello? dont we have the right to ignore you and be angry? apparently not. she said she was as upset as we were that she cld not come and that we didnt respect the fact that she had other committments (that were apparently more impt that the date which we fixed in advance)

and btw ces, i just wanted to say that we were immature then. and like, when you pung seh-ed us on the date on the thurs aft my birthday, WHICH YOU PROMISED TO COME. we didnt show you any black face or what ever when we saw you at dance prac aft that.
and ces, if you say we were superficial then why wld i bother rallying the entire region on your birthday, plan sabos for you, get a cake and even made games that embarassed me? I ONLY DO THESE STUFF FOR YOUR. AND SERIOUSLY. WHAT DO I GET IN RETURN. wow ces. walk away if you want. your loss.

urgh. i was just so so so pissed. just looking at her bad attitude made me feel so.. angry. i still am. and i still have alot to say.

we ended with a super cool prayer. except for ces' because she said a two liner. or probably three. i cant rmb. cant be bothered anw.
but the contents of the prayers include like,
when we say we wanted to grow old together. we mean it. and God, it's not the fun times, the number of sleepovers, the number of neoprints, or even the nuumber of gossips we share with each other that make us close friends. it's you God. you are the centre of the princesses, the peepoonehbutt, of the old hags.
and
it's the little things we do like saving seats for each other that matter.
apparently not to ces who did not save us seats the next day.. right. i was kindda pissed. me and glad wld be sitting alone if it was not for sammy for my case and mich for glad's case. URGH CES.

and mich babe, you're a good friend. and though i wld like to agree with glad that you opened our eyes to realise how much injustice has been done to us by wong, i disagree. and say to you that, as wong's friend, she shld speak out for her too. you shld curb the rumours the not stir up more feelings of hate, resentment, loathe, hurt. esp when wong trusted you.
i know i'm guilty of such stuff too. and i knw it's hard. so let's try together okay?
in a way the perks of doing this is like, gaining favour from the person you tell. but like, not happening for me leh. ironically. maybe cause i'm aware of it. like, i practice it too. that's how wong and i become so close.. BUT EH. IF YOU THINK IT'S EASY BALANCING BETWEEN STARVING CES AND SECRETIVE JOANNA. THINK AGAIN. like, i try my best to say only what i'm allowed to. and this aint enough to satisfy ces and glad. and right, blame me for that will ya. at the same time, i have to conjure up some fake stuff to edify the group. IT'S HARD. BELIEVE ME.
and now things are just left hanging because ces' mom wanted her home. my god. i cant believe this is happening man. IT'S SO AWKWARD. right now, i just wna sleep and wake up realising that it was all just a nightmare.

ces, right now i really need you to understand. i'm not blaming you. but i'm abt to if you carry on your selfishh behavior that's hurting all of us. i'll give you all the time you need. but i hope it turns out for the better cause ii dno how long i can hold it together. i feel like falling apart seriously. i dno abt you but this friendship is really special to me. and to a certain extent, it's like my life. cant live without you guys. you dno how many ppl yearn to have a closely knitted group like us. really. please hang on if you care. and if you dont, i dno how long i can hold on to you...



and now, a little planning for ppnb showdown part2..
ces,
-YOUR birthday, I plan, MY birthday. I plan.
-like how you can call your consolidation contacts, you have no excuse k. shut up.
-it's just the act, posture, attitude. dont act hard to get please. if not, dont blame us for the conseaquences of "urgh. i dont know anything. your never tell me" when you're not even there.
-my mom doesnt knw alot but doesnt change the fact that she's my mom.
-that was then. now is now. we didnt give you the black face on thurs.
-and please realise that we were angry most of the time cause you stood us up. make us feel unimmportant. BREAK YOUR PROMISE. your mom is such a lame excuse btw. and if you dont think we are unimportant so, MIND SAYING IT? like how you dont know anything, we dont know what the heck in running though that head of yours. SO SHOOT, BABY. but for all you knw, maybe we are that unimportant to you ces. i'm not surprised. you seem to spend more time with your sch friends than us.. maybe that's why? ever occurred to you? SHEESH.


I FEEL LIKE SLAPPING YOU TO REALITY, RATHER THAN GIVING YOU A KISS TO BREAK THE SPELL AND AWAKEN YOU FROM YOUR DEEP SLUMBER.
it's so much easier. oh help me, Lord.

reen, was it worth keeping it all together? don't leave me hanging.

it just happened /

Monday, December 01, 2008

i was suppose to come online to type this last night but i guess i was too URGH-ED OUT to even move my ass to get the laptop..

yea. say hi to my new problem.
and you've guessed it.. GUYS AGAIN.
ppfft. i thought i had out grown the stage where i thought guys were irritating and annoying.. looks like i couldnt be more wrong. right. (haha)
it's times like this i feel that hitler should have wiped out the males rather than the jews.
how i envy the lesbians now, them and their guy-free paradise..
i guess i'm offically a pro-lesbian/ anti-male and strongly for a all-girl-world. ahh, one step closer to world peace.. hmm. i might even start a movement! cause i think deep down inside, i have always supported lesbians.. HAHA. i'm a crazy girl. psycotic. insane.
it's their fault. they drove me to my wits end.

okay okay, i shall go STRAIGHT to the point,
(haha, caught the pun? straight as in, not lesbian..)

or i'll just cry, burst, melt and die. (haha. my favourite line!)

now firstly, (point form!)
I AM FEELING
*very very disgusted; so disgusted i can throw up 10 buckets of puke.
*irritated. like super; until i start to itch.
*darn foolish; sue me for being a clown
*ultra guilty; no court of law can judge/sentence me otherwise
*freaking angry; so pissed
*bloody childish; so bloody cause i'm bleeding
*out right violated; like how intense UV rays can cause skin cancer
*just so.. confused; till Alevel maths seems so easy to comprehend in comparison

and now to create a new word that means all of the above emotions:
GWARHAMPFFEERGHUUER.

thanks to my retarded tiny male friend named *o*nso*
fine. i'll give him a code name...(thinks for 5 mins.)
urghh.what a waste of time!!
whatever la. just call him POH ZAI YUN. (the pill you take for stomach aches)
haha. all my puking will surely give me stomach aches.. so this name fits like a glove! haha.
kinda rolls of the tongue too! and it suits his face.. it's so perfect! as if he was born to have this as his chinese name! haha. wow.

omg. that was totally self entertaining. haha. but i feel better! (no thanks to those i smsed, expecting comfort in return! hurmph.)

time to put my summary skills in practice! kudos to mr sami!
wna hurry get over and done with this shit so i can sleeeep. haha

1. i thought we made it clear man. friends only.
2. sorry, but you are just too weird. and not to mention how a complete and total loser you are. i cant help that i'm the only girl who's your good friend. like i said, L-O-S-E-R, no social life.
3. yes, you're nice and very gentlemen. WE GET IT. but so what? big deal. want a medal with that? sheesh.
4. please lah, I DONT LIKE YOU. so for heaven's sake, can you and your sick mind stop doing OT for nonsensical thinking?? like, what the heck. i feel like saying this in your face:
*note. this is purely for the record and harbours no ill intentions. notice how i wantED to, but didnt send? yea. i actually typed it out in sms, wanting to send it.

"eh. i've been hearing alot of rumours lately about us...(okay, sorry for lying. i had to come up with something!)and just to make it clear, I FREAKING DONT LIKE YOU.
honestly, cross my heart and swear on whatever. sorry to say this but, you should not too. dont spoil this friendship with such stupid and immature acts, making things so awkward. i apologise if i made you feel that i was interested in you/you stand a chance (which you SO DO NOT by the way). trust me, i'm not into you AT ALL. and i'll never be. give it up. face it sucker. eat shit. whatever. get lost. leave me alone."

if i were harsh and cruel, i'd have sent that.. but, darn. me and my kind soul. HAHA. but seriously la. if like, a guy stands a 0.00000001 chance, go ahead.
not that i'm playing hard to get, but like, get real would cha?
i'd rather swear myself to celebacy or however you spell that. haha. my poor mr right. more work for you! to impress me! haha. just kidding. i guess what i'm just trying to say is that gan qing shi bu ke yi mian qiang de. understand? you're just grossing me out like that.. haiyo. someone help, please. i dno how to put it all across..

5. i feel like telling someone all of this. cause i seriously need help as you can see... oh boy :( and i cant believe i was desperate enough to sms lu. saying what? "eh, you're still me kor right?" and "do i still have my mei ranting privellge?" LIKE WHAT WAS I THINKING?? oh my goodness lah! i'm a desperate girl! AH! SOMEONE SAVE ME! I'MT TURNING INTO A LOSER!! hahaha.

6. on a more serious note, oh God, i feel SO guilty. i confess. this evil side of me did manipulate things into the way it is today. and i did imagine what things would be like before i actually acted. though i deluded myself and hope things would not be like how it is now.. i really did see this coming! but i went ahead to declare SPP anyway. what the heck! i cldnt be more stupid. URGH. dumb reen. dumb! wrong move man.
and that stupid $43 dress! my handiwork. oh my gosh, i dont recognise myself anymore. what a liar. a deceiver. i suck lah. *overwhelm with guilt.
take the dress back! sell it! cut it up! whatever! i dont care. i just want you and all of this shit to leave. period.
(yea. maybe it's cause of PMS. another pun.. i'm having my period.)

7. to make things worse, i feel even more guilty.. cause i've been subconciously condemning pple by judging them.. pple like s*ar*ia*, z*nn*a...
saying how theyy exploit guys, make them pay.. WHEN I MYSELF AM DOING IT.
gai si. qian zhou.

8. reen you suck. horrible girl. ohman. i need to get a life.

9. i can only wish that all these are wild imaginations on my part. and that it's all fake. and that POH ZAI YUN is just being nice like how he always is to everyone. or i'll just puke and faint. cause i'm seriously SOooo DISGUSTED right now.. UTTERLY disgusted. haha. just wanted to use the word "UTTERLY". haha. lame. brain mulfunction at 1am in the morning.

...

i dont know why- i'm so evil. why i feel this way..
i dont know how- it all happened. it happened so fast..
i dont know what- to do..
i dont know who- to tell. should i even tell?

since things are so bad, it can only get better right?

10. come to think of it, maybe i brought this all upon myself. so technically, i deserve all this suffering? like i said, i initiated all of it, being his SPP, being close. despite knowing how things might turn out. stupidly risking it all.. and now, i feel.. i feel just like j*a*na. OH SHIT. tell me i did not just say that! i did not! but oh my god, she does get close to guys irregardless of whatever and... *SCREAMS*, help!! why am i doing this! what is happening to me??
my good friend! i tarnished her name just like that! but.. then again, if i can do that, are we still good friends? OH MY GOSH. WHAT AM I SAYING! HOW CAN I EVEN THINK.. OH MY WORD.
altogether another problem. one that will soon snowball its way into a post on this blog...

WHAT HAVE I BECOME?
oh dear Lord.

AND WHAT NOW?
tell or not to tell?

tell who?

pray? just pray and pray and pray and PRAY??!
sigh. spiritual life still on the rocks man. bloody hell.

pretend like nothing's happen?

ANYONE OUT THERE WHO UNDERSTANDS? HELLO? SOS DISTRESS CALL!

HELP. I FEEL SO DRUNK NOW..

pohzaiyun, screw you.
buzz off.
get out of my life.
unless you can stop all this retarded shit.
i dont feel like talking to you.
or even being around you.
in fact, let's not even be friends.
it's so uncomfortable now.
say i'm dillusional. go on. SAY IT. SAY IT!!!! okay. j*a*na did say it..
but i want to be dillusional! i'm thinking too much! yes i am. maybe he doesnt even like me. hahaha *forces laughter. siao la you. hurr.


WHY.
MR RIGHT, WHERE ARE YOU?I NEED TO RANT TO YOU.
LIKE, NOW.

just randomly going on, spilling my thoughts and feelings..

i feel so bad about myself.
nothing said will help. (i think)
i've met the uglier side of reen ng.
can it get worse? i hope not.
so evil, manipulative, deceiving, insulting, full of detest, loathe, hate?
my mouth is a source of pollution in itself. i poison pple's thoughts with them. i kill my own spirit man, suffocating it with such... evil.

HELP. I'M STUCK IN DEEP SHIT.




i saw this post earlier on, abstracted from michelle's friends blog. so descriptive. i like! haha. fits this scenario perfectly. because it's what i'm feeling. i'm feeling depress. i'm feeling SAD. sorrowful, FULL of SORROW. haha.

sorrow
I've realized how easy it is to be sad by yourself. Joy comes in the form of another existence, and when you're suddenly left alone for a great period, it's really easy to feel lonely, and let sadness catch you right in the back; as if you were playing a game of tag. It's easy, because when there is an absence of joy, you can't help but wonder if this is really it? If the people you see all day long are the ones who will supposedly make your life feel worthy, or be the ones who stick around and listen to you. It's weird, because usually you'd jump to that conclusion as they're your family. But then you realize, no, maybe everything's just a facade of this word "Family" and then you think, stop, quit being negative because you know these people have brought you joy before as well. And then the cycle repeats. As vicious as it is, to be caught in it feels even worse. That's how you become sad. But when you are pushed to the point where no comfort remains in this cold house of yours, where do you go? I want to walk right out of this, right into the streets but then where do i head again? These questions never stop pouring out. They engulf and spit me out like a used piece of gum. You suddenly start wishing you had someone who'd listen, because as hard as everything is, sometimes you really need a physical shoulder to lean and cry on. You wished there would be someone who'd stand there and listen to all the selfish comments you make, because as much and as hard as you try to quit feeling these emotions, you are a human being. Humans feel everything; even emotions that are undesirable. Does that make you any less of a person? No it does not.


and here are other stuff that may just help.. maybe i'll read them again someday. apparantly these are from eve's blog(michelle's friend), but i koped from michelle's blog..

i reallyreally pray I never get to the point of being so frustrated and let down and hurt and completely drained by people, that I tell God "I don't want to care for people anymore."
I just feel like I'm throwing all my hopes into an empty nothingness of you.

Sometimes I treat God's word like it's a choice.
I pick the Psalms and the Isaiahs, and I leave out the Proverbs and the Philippians.
I want to claim Your promise as a loving God, a powerful God who helps me through my tough times; but I would rather not know about your wrath and commandments, thanks but no thanks. Not today, I don't need this side of you today, God. I need your "solid rock" persona today.

Food for thought.
Sometimes we never change because we feel that admitting our shortcomings alone is a big enough deal to pardon us for what we do.
"Yeah I know I'm such a bitch.." "Yeah I know it's bad for me.." "Yeah I know I shouldn't do it.."
and that pride of self you had to put down just to admit that seems like a big enough sacrifice.
"..but (insert justification)"
and then we never change.

I think the world really discredits the word "standards".
When the yardstick is always shifting, what are you going to measure yourself up against.
since when was "cool" a measure of anything at all anyway.
"do you have what it takes"

To be honest, when I decided to leave it to God, I didn't get this sense of immediate peace that came over me, that I expected to get.
I'm still frustrated. I'm still troubled. I still care.
I think when I trusted God, he didn't miraculously change the situation.
He changed me, changed my heart.
Put down my anger, rights and pride and gave me the strength and patience.
And this I know has got to be God working, I can't do all that alone.
I think that's the realization that gives you the peace. The fact that God will work in you when you ask him to.
The peace that everyone says comes with trusting God.

"I can't buy you diamonds. But God is my jeweller. So pick any star that you'd like.


This is my letter to you all, that maybe sometime you will read when you are crying and feeling alone. Or maybe you won't. Maybe you'll forget about this, but you are reading this now, and I hope you believe me when I say I love you.
http://hailmary-fullofgrace.blogspot.com/2008/07/love-letter.html


and one more:
“I asked God for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health that I might do greater things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things. I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise. I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. I was given life that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for. Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered. I am, among all men, most richly blessed.”

it just happened /

Saturday, September 20, 2008

hey there! myself, and any other readers who are bored or have nothing better to do..
i'm back. not like the terminator. but like the "i've watched my life fly past before me" kind. reminisence. and now it all seems so.. old. like a polaroid photo.

kay. enough random senseless talk which was to warm up.
haha.

firstly, i'm here once agn not because i have some major issues agn.. well, i do. but my reason for coming back was because someone i know discovered this blog. I REALLY CANT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING. this was suppose to be a secret that no one was to find out abt.. and so happen that today jeremy preached about exposing lies. WOW. what a coincidence. not saying all these are lies. but like, it's all my dirty deeds. reading my old posts, i feel like such an idiot. a complete bitch. i cant imagine why and how i can say such stuff. but ohwell. this blog WAS created for that. but now that someone actually started reading everything, i begin to re-think my actions and words..

can i turn back time?

why dont put a password you ask? yea. i just did. but initially i didnt knw pple could gain access to this blog through my blogger profile! and who in the right mind would be so free to navigate through it anw? urgh. silly person. now i feel so naked. because that person who discovered my blog like, see the real reen, without facades/clothes. damn. i became naked overnight. like adam and eve, MADE NAKED BY KNOWLEDGE. haha. shit la. i'm superrrr annoyed with the person! why you so itchy hand?? intrude into my private life ): grr. and read EVERYTHING. wahlau. damn free la. now it feels weird with you.. but actually i felt weird when i was with you even before all of this. haha. LOSER.

OKAY, i shall pay my tributes now.

dear blog, thank you so much!!! you rly saved my sorry ass! really. if it werent for you, i probably wouldnt be nice to pple as i'd be saying all these stuff in their face. really. in fact, i regret not coming here to blog during my recent "cat fight" with angie and grace and whoever. it would have saved me ALOT of trouble, face and of course misery. i seriously cried like mad likeeee maaad that night. pple thought my puffy eyes was because of the sleepnees nights. but i rmb.. that night, it was carmen's birthday. my friends were "on leave" i guess. no one heard. all i can is that i turned out bitter sweet. how you ask? well, the "bitter" was the fact that angie canceled the bloody video that i spent SUPER ALOT OF TIME ON. and what the heck, my econs paper was the next day. didnt study finish. naturally i'd put the blame on her. but come to think of it, it was cause i had poor time management and gave in to the temptation of playing the guitar, pigging out, sleeping, WATCHING THE OLYMPICS (haha), shopping and just procastinating.. so ladies and gentlemen, meet human nature. always blaming others. i dno about you, but i guess that's my forte.

it's strange how i dont like pple to accuse me of things i didnt do, yet i always push the blame to them..

anw, the "sweet", mummy to the rescue! my hero. even though it wasnt what i had in mind, it became better than what i expected. she taught me a lesson i soon passed on to many. the lesson of relying on God. how he didnt expect anything in return for helping us and how he would help us regardless of how naughty we have been or whether we deserved it. i subconciously developed the mindset that we have to work to earn pple's favour.. i guess this is what happens when you're living in a place called earth.. i also learnt that if we were so prepared ourvelves, then we wouldnt need god alr would we? it would not be relying on him anw. since we make it in our own strength.. so yea. sat the paper unprepared. mind you, this was prelims. took guts k. but hey, not guts no glory yea? thank God it all ended well. i topped my class and probably one of the highest in the level with a 96 percentile for my econs paper! to god be the glory! i hope that happens for As also! call me silly, but here in YJ, it's probably not that hard! yes, i'm gna do it (:

hmmm.. since i'm bragging, i might as well go all out! hahaha. DID I TELL YOU? my gp teacher photocopied my AQ for all his classes! and someone told me that when he showed my AQ to his friends, they were impressed that someone at a JC level, (or probably someone from YJ= KOK SCH..[yj is kok lor, did i tell you? the air con broke down half way during alevel math paper 1 lah! what the heck. SUPER STUFFY. can hear pple all ard cursing the bloody sch. haha. kay. back to my point]) could come up with something so.. ahem. ingenius. haha. thank God la hor. haha. oh yea, i also wanted to include this part in.. another lesson my mom taught me (: actually i learnt another lesson from the previous lesson also.. like when i started telling pple what my mom told me, they MISUSE IT. like, they slack and dont study and just depend on God.. tsk. terrible leh. i'm guilty of it also la. but.. aiya. different case. haha. AND, got pple KOPE MY LINE AND TELL OTHER PPLE! eh! stealer! haha. i'm selfish, i know. like when my AQ got photocopied for the classes?! ): i didnt care about the glory. (i did la. haha. reen=smart=gp pro. [but eh, pple use me as bench mark lah. what the heck.]) i cared about how i lost my "edge" as everyone could now just COPY what i wrote. wth. BUT, the other side of reen is calling.. eh, you KOPED the lesson from your mummy also ma. and the teachers did photocopy other student's work for YOU.. you are also guilty! you little theif! (okay, maybe theft was a little too harsh.. haha) AND NOW, BACK TO MY POINT ABOUT ANOTHER LESSON THAT MY MUMMY TAUGHT ME (: haha. omg. i like to complain. haha. no doubt abt that! anw, the lesson is about david and goliath.. actually i cant rmb everything. but when i do, you can be sure i'll be back to type it all out (: but it goes something like, i study so little, only enough to fill my pathetic "sling shot" to fire at my goliath A level papers. but with God, all things are possible! though i deserved to do badly. i so slack! omg. *guilty.. i say pple, when i should say myself.. (actually i'm saying myself now what.) haha. sorry God! but now, i'm slowly learning to trust God! not that i dont trust him, but i'm learning to trust him even when i feel far away. real far away.... (edited on 7th nov)


kk. let's come back from all my digressing... back to angie. oh god, i love her so much. she's resposible for all that i've become.. seeing me through all my childhood and teenage years. and how did i repay her? by not repaying her. by screwing her last production in the youth ministry. by making her hurt so much she had to show me love in return. oh god, i love her so much. (sorry angie, for not giving you a goodbye speech at your farewell bbq. i know, i know deep down, you were expecting one from me. but i just couldnt bring myself to say....)

you knw how we always think back and hope to change things? yea. i wished i never fought with her. i wished i cried at her farewell party like all the rest did. i wished i was more.. HUMAN. it was bad enough i shouted and argued with her infront of new comers at the edge. shit, she forgave me, patiently explained her style of working to me and even was there for me when i quarreled with grace. she took the place of an angel from heaven. what more wrong can i do to her? alot.

wait.
maybe it's my bad sense of time, but i think this happened before the argument with her at the edge..
the irony of grace. someone should just give her an award and make her stop. or maybe not. since she's doing such a good job. damn, she is. i admit.
but she was being hard on me again.
or maybe it was the stress from school. probably just a misunderstanding. but whatever it is, it's just not my fault. i'm a blame pusher. so yea, NOT.MY.FAULT.

hear me, please.

i cant quite rmb what happened, but i was really upset with grace. really unhappy. then i kindda bitched about her at the edge to gladys. and some how or rahter, she found out. ever since then, it's been bad-blood sorry-sister. we had a showdown, outside the handicap toilet, with many kay-poh-kias walking past, and meeting my rebelious side for the first time. my body language just screamed "bad girl. alert, ah lian in battle mode. beware." and i was ready to pounce on her and tear that face of her head. her look. her voice. her penetrating words that can pierce into your soul, anchor a guilt in your heart and consume you from the inside. her words were bull's eye and ouch. all the more reasons for me to cry. i felt so angry that some bitch told her what i said. i was annoyed that she wasnt understanding and was outright unreasonable. i was pissed she had to confront me that way. i was irritated that i couldnt do anything abt it. but above all, i was disguted that i thirsted for revenge. i was ashamed that i was so immature. and i was so guilty, i had to cry. i'll just burst if i didnt. and probably end up in mental hospital, diagnose with symptoms of insanity. i poured out to nna who was really nice. maybe cause she stood by me. and i knw how hard it is. when you have to agree with someone when she's wrong. when you see it while she's blind. when you hear sounds which to her was noise. or worse. she was deaf and refuses to listen. yea. i was that brat. i felt so guilty but i refuse to stop blaming grace. then the angel came along. appeared like a knight in shinning amour. (finally. i'm so long winded) haha. yea. she said things that no human can ever formulate out. she was amazing; so gracful with her words. they were carefully chosen, woven. and not one out of point. she was generous with her praises, and she garnished every point with bible scriptures. she was simply.. ANGIE. she taught me that fateful evening, the lesson on how to respect and obey your leaders regardless of how unfair and mean and rude or whtever they are to you.. she totally walked her talk man. all her examples were so inspiring. yet realistic and relatable. i wna be what she says. i want little girls to look up to me. but i guess that will never happen.. look at the mess i'm in. my sister practically hates me. my parents quarrels more often than it rains. and i'm not even close to being a good daughter. though i think i am.. what the heck. i still have the cheek to type that. sigh. what a life.

and today was lu's birthday. i confess. i forgot. sorry! after all that you've done for me.. boy am i an ungrate-FOOL. sorry for the horendez pun. but it is only now, that i start to realise your significance in my life. if i were brave, i'd tell you this..

kor, i miss you. (not because i love you or whatever. EEE. NO. haha) but i really do miss you.. it's not that i dont want to be close to you. i'm really scared. scared of what pple will think. afraid of what will happen. i knw you told me like a million and one times what pple think doesnt matter. but lu, arent i a person? you mean, you dont care what i think? i think how my girlfriends view me matter. i think jepordising my trust with them matters. i think being pure and keeping my all for mr right matters more than being close to you. (oh. and did i mention? you're def not mr right btw) you USE to make me feel like i'm on top of the world though.. i rmb the things you said. the feeling i felt when you hear me rant and how you would stand up for me.. but then agn, it's you who totally crushed me and my fragile heart. in return, i gave you the cold shoudler and spread nasty stuff about you.. you deserved it la. haha. but def not all of it. and i'm so sorry. i seriously dno what's with me and guys. and sometimes i wonder what it would be like if i had the courage to go out on dates, one after another. i dream of what it would be like to have a physical shoulder to lean on. to get gifts, surprises, hugs, kisses, long special moments, memories, laughter, tears, songs, daydreaming night and day and all the promises, hope and joy, especially when i see the face i've been missing. i dont think i LIKE you. (note. i didnt use the word love) i dont want to anyway. not because you're gross, (okay la. a tiny bit. haha. this is so anti climax! but you really dont meet alot of my expectations. so sorry dude. i think this is a female instinct to long for company. i think i miss the company, not you. haha) like i said, i want to keep my ALL for mr right. i knw it's foolish. but i rly want to. oh mr right, are you there? i'm afraid i'll settle for someone lesser in the end. i dont wna go down the path my mom did.. but will i be left on the shelf? will angie be? she's waiting too. but she's going strong.. is this all just a silly fairytale that angie made me believe just because she was convinved into believing? am i passing this hope on to other girls and trapping them too? is it right? mr right, please dont take too long.. i dno how long i can hold it together here, alone. i knw i have God, but it's just different. plus i'm not exactly tight with him now.. sigh. another story altogether. one that will have no end. but God i hope it does. it should. and by faith, it will.

lu, i realised you've changed. and yes, i'd like to know you more. not in the bgr way. but in the "i like how i can count on you" way. but then again, you're not all that reliable. damn. there's just too high a risk, too high a price to pay. so in the end, will it be worth it?

is it really better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all?

(edited on 6th nov)
who are you? a shadow? or the light casting the shadow?

just for fun; the following is the non-edited one. haha. i know i'd be wondering what i edited someday... haha. omg. i'm like in the middle of my As now.. shit man.

hey there! myself, and any other readers who are bored or have nothing better to do..
i'm back. not like the terminator. but like the "i've watched my life fly past before me" kind. reminisence. and now it all seems so.. old. like a polaroid phhoto.

kay. enough random senseless talk which was to warm up.
haha.

firstly, i'm here once agn not because i have some major issues agn.. well, i do. but my reason for coming back was because someone i know discovered this blog. I REALLY CANT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING. this was suppose to be a secret that no one was to find out abt.. and so happen that today jeremy preached about exposing lies. WOW. what a coincidence. not saying all these are lies. but like, it's all my dirty deeds. reading my old old posts, i feel like such an idiot. a complete bitch. i cant imagine why and how i can say such stuff. but ohwell. this blog WAS created for that. but now that someone actually started reading everything, i begin to re-think my actions and words..

can i turn back time?

dear blog, thank you so much. you rly saved my sorry ass! really. if it werent for you, i'd probably wouldnt be nice to pple as i'd be saying all these stuff in their face. really. in fact, i regret not coming here to blog during my recent "cat fight" with angie and grace and whoever. it would have saved me ALOT of trouble, face and of course misery. i seriously cried like mad likeeee maaad that night. pple thought it was because of the sleepnees nights. but i rmb.. that night, it was carmen's birthday. my friends were "on leave" i guess. no one heard. all i can is that i turned out bitter sweet. how you ask? well, the "bitter" was the fact that angie canceled the bloody video that i spent SUPER ALOT OF TIME ON. and what the heck, my econs paper was the next day. didnt study finish. naturally i'd put the blame on her. but come to think of it, it was cause i had poor time management and gave in to the temptation of playing the guitar, pigging out, sleeping, WATCHING THE OLYMPICS, shopping and just procastinating.. so ladies and gentlemen, meet human nature. always blaming others. i dno about you, but i guess that's my forte.

it's strange how i dont like pple to accusee me of things i didnt do, yet i always push the blame to them..

anw, the "sweet", mummy to the rescue! my hero. even though it wasnt what i had in mind, it became better than what i expected. she taught me a lesson i soon passed on to many. the lesson of relying on God. how he didnt expect anything in returnn for helping us and how he would help us regardless of how naughty we have been or whether we deserved it. i subconciously developed the mindset that we have to work to earn pple's favour.. i guess this is what happens when you're living in a place called earth.. i also learnt that if we were so prepared ourvelves, then we wouldnt need god alr would we? it would not be relying on him anw. since we make it in our own strength.. so yea. sat the paper unprepared. mind you, this was prelims. took guts k. but hey, not guts no glory yea? thank God it all ended well. i topped my class and probably the topped level too with a 96 percentile for my econs paper! to god be the glory! i hope that happens for As also! call me silly, but here in YJ, it's probably not that hard! yes, i'm gna do it (:

kk. let's come back from all my digressing... back to angie. oh god, i love her so much. she's resposible for all that i've become.. seeing me through all my childhood and teenage years. and how did i repay her? by not repaying her. by screwing her last production in the youth ministry. by making her hurt so much she had to show me love in return. oh god, i love her so much.
you knw how we always think back and hope to change things? yea. i wished i never fought with her. i wished i cried at her farewell party like all the rest did. i wished i was more HUMAN. it was bad enough i shouted and argued with her infront of new comers at the edge. shit, she forgave me, patiently explained her style of working to me and even was there for me and took the place of and angel from heaven. what more wrong can i do to her?

maybe it's my bad sense of time, but i think this happened before the argument with her at the edge..
the irony of grace. someone should just give her an award and make her stop.
she was being hard on me again.
or maybe it was the stress from school. probably just a misunderstanding. but whatever it is, it's just not my fault. i'm a blame pusher. so yea, NOT.MY.FAULT.

hear me.

i cant quite rmb what happened, but i was really upset with grace. really unhappy. then i kindda bitched about her at the edge to gladys. and some how or rahter, she found out. ever since then, it's been bad blood sorry sister. we had a showdown outside the handicap toilet, with many kay-poh-kias walking past, meeting my rebelious side for the first time. my body language just screamed "bad girl. alert, ah lian in battle mode. beware." and i was ready to pounce on her and tear that face of her head. her look. her voice. her penetrating words that pierces into your soul, anchors a guilt in your heart and consumes you from the inside. her words were bull's eye and ouch. all the more reasons for me to cry. i felt so angry that some bitch told her what i said. i was annoyed that she wasnt understanding and was outright unreasonable. i was pissed she had to confront me that way. i was irritated that i couldnt do anything abt it. but above all, i was disguted that i thirsted for revenge. i was ashamed that i was so immature. and i was so guilty i had to cry. i'll just burst if i didnt. and probably end up in mental hospital, diagnose with symptones of insanity. i poured out to nna who was really nice. maybe cause she stood by me. and i knw how hard it is. when you have to agree with someone when she's wrong. when you see it while she's blind. when you ear sounds which to her was noise. or worse. she was deaf and refuses to listen. yea. i was that brat. i was so guilty but i refuse to stop blaming grace. then the angel came along. like a knight in shinning amour. (finally. i'm so long winded) haha. yea. she said things that no human would ever formulate out. she was amazing; so gracful with her words. they were carefully chosen. and not one out of point. she was generous with her praises, and she garnished every point with bible scriptures. she was simply.. ANGIE. she taught me that fateful night, the lesson on how to respect and obey your leaders regardless of how unfair and mean and rude or whtever they are to you.. she totally walked her talk man. all her examples were so inspiring. yet realistic and relatable. i wna be what she says. i want little girls to look up to me. but i guess that will never happen.. look at the mess i'm in. my sister practically hates me. my parents quarrels more often than it rains. and i'm not even close to being a good daughter. though i think i am.. what the heck. i still have the cheek to type that. sigh. what a life man.

and today was lu's birthday. i confess. i forgot. sorry! after all that you've done for me.. boy am i an ungrateFOOL. indeed. and now, i start to realise your significance in my life now. if i were brave, i'd tell you this..

kor, i miss you. i really do. it's not that i dont want to be close to you. i'm really scared. scared of what pple will think. afraid of what will happen. i knw you told me like a million and one times what pple think doesnt matter. but lu, arent i a person? you mean, you dont care what i think? i think how my girlfriends view me matter. i think jepordising my trust with them matters. i think being pure and kept for my mr right matters more than being close to you. although you make me feel like i'm on top of the world. i'd rmb the things you said. the feeling i felt when you hear me rant and how you would stand up for me.. but then agn, it's you who totally crushed me and my fragile heart.. and in return, i gave you the cold shoudler and spread nasty stuff about you.. you deserved it la. but def not all. and i'm so sorry. i seriously dno what's with me and guys. and sometimes i wonder what it would be like if i had the courage to go out on dates.. one after another. i dream of what it would be like to have a physical shoulder to lean on. to get gifts, surprises, hugs, kisses, long special moments, memories, laughter,, tears, songs, nights and days and all the promises, hope and joy, especially when i see the face i've been missing. i really dno if i LIKE you. i dont want to. not because you're gross, (okay la. a tiny bit. haha. anti climax! but you really dont meet alot of my expectations. so sorry dude, def not mr right here.) i want to keep my ALL for mr right. i knw it's foolish. but i rly want to. oh mr right, are you there? i'm afraid i'll settle for someone lesser in the end. like my mom? or that i'll be left on the shelf? will angie be? she's waiting too. but she's going strong.. is this all just a silly fairytale that angie made me believe just because she was convinved into believing? am i passing this fairytale on to other girls and trapping them too? is it right? mr right, please dont take too long.. i dno how long i can hold it together here alone. i knw i have God, but it's just different.. plus i'm not exactly tight with him now.. sigh. another story altogether. one that will have no end.

lu, i realised you've changed. and yes, i'd like to know you more. not in the bgr way. but in the "i like how i can count on you" way. but there's just too high a price to pay. so in the end, will it be worth it?

is it really better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all?

it just happened /

Friday, November 16, 2007

hey. i was just reminded of your existence..
oooh. i havent been here since 6jan2007. cool. i must have a wonderful life.
but somehow, i dont feel so lucky anymore.
well, it wasnt just today.
since 15 november 2007.
yea. yesterday. but it doesnt seem so..
it's been a long two days.
actually a week.
you see, i just turned seventeen. and i'm regreting it all came so soon.
not like i had a choice. but i guess i have control over how i feel towards things.. what things?
bet you're confused. ditto here.
it's just everything.

EXPECTATIONS.
DISAPPOINTMENTS.
JEALOUSY.
FEAR.
HURT.
DOUBT.
SILLINESS.
GUILT.
ANGER.
FATIGUE.
HOPELESSNESS.

thank God for silliness. it's the only thing that's been fun.

where to start?
way back you say? alright.

1) mom.
cares alot for me. but like, why tell you when you're not gna do anything abt it? mummy, do you see how you're caring abt things you shouldnt be and ignoring things that matter? things that matter to ME. mummy dont you see?
i love you. but i guess things are just this way. they dont have to be. but why are they? am i suppose to be learning something? well, i hope i learn it quick. cos age is catching up. and i'm running out of birthday wishes..
mummy, you're the best thing that has happened to me (:
but also the only thing that can make me run away from home.
(i almost did btw. just before i turned seventeen)
you have your way of doing things. some i really hate. but ohwell. i still pick them up along the way and use them back at you.. so we're even.

let's leave things as they are for now.. i guess every mother is alike. so this shouldnt be the prob. besides, my mom is the least of my frustrations.

---

on to my spiritual life.
as usual. ROLLERCOASTER.
when can it ever stop?
i guess it'll never.
one week i'm assured that despite failures, i'm a winner and that God loves me regardless.. but another week i feel like i've just let him down too many times.
i hear you. it's the devil.
i hear you. unconditional love.
i hear you. you're here...
but i realised that i want to get back so i dont have to suffer the feeling/tiring process of getting back.. it's dumb, i knw. but i dont understand. i hate trials yet i cant live without them. i fear them, yet i somehow can embrace them with you. then again, i seem to be so close to you.. yet so far. oh God. when will it ever stop? i hope it ends at the part where i'm tight with you..

and then again.. why?
for selfish reasons.


i realised i'm selfish.

---

moving on.

SELFISH.

that reminds me..
MY BIRTHDAY.

it was alright till i started comparing..
i knw, even lu told me i'll never be happy comparing.
but i dno why i do.
i think it's human nature.
and i hate myself for being this way.
and above all. i take the things i DO have and that other pple envy, for granted.
and worse, i lust for more.
i dont see the things that others lack that i am blessed with.
i'm so blind to it all.
BUT I DONT WANT TO BE ):



GREEDY.

uhoh. i see the list is slowly building.
i feel the word

PRIDE.

i sense,

FARCADE.

ohmygosh. now i'm fake too. dang, i am. end of discussion case close. dang.

BIRTHDAY RANTS:
this is one of my fav birthday perks! i'm incharge. i decide. so shut up, sit down and read. haha. i rock, i rule! birthday girl power! haha.
*notice the occasional laughter. i dont like EMO-ing.

1) nothing was planned for ME.
i'm so disappointed.

how many out there have never celebrated a birthday? they may not even have friends, lost their family, loved ones.. broken homes. broken lives.. at least you still had tempakayi (: you had a small donut and THANKGOD FOR ANGIE and her pizza!! and your mom promised sharks fin! you had mango cake in sch!


2) the presents were PATHETIC.
i feel so untreasured.

hello!? SUPERFICIAL MUCH! what happened to the cliche "it's the thought that counts?"

but the presents reflects how much effort they are actually willing to put in for you!

yes, i agree. but not everything is said.. and all that's said isnt everything either (:
this inference may cause you unnecessary hurt. look, you're alr quite lucky to get so many presents. though not as much, as nice or as expensive as some pple's, but let's not compare.. we've alr talked abt that..
no one's perfect. i'm sure you're lazy to shop for pple's presents at times too? a slip shot job?

no lor! sometimes i really pour my heart and soul ): i feel so shortchanged.

and that's the next point..


3) they dont do enough for me. esp aft all that i've done for them.
i'm on the losing end.

angie's words could not have come at a better time.. learning how to give without expecting anything in return.. like angie touched you with her pizza, touch others with your "pizza"..
blessed it is to give than to recieve.

but like ca mon. some pple i even BUY presents for them and they can forget it's my birthday. it's been like that since sec sch..

you do that to some pple too reen. and hey. giving someone gifts expecting something in return isnt exactly the true spirit of giving.. besides, it's only a birthday! everyone has one. no biggie. you're blowing it out of proportion! must be the stupid MTV my sweet sixteen show that brainwashed you right??

i know. but it's good to be remembered is'nt it? sighs.

give it time.. you didnt rmb everyone's birthday did you? and look how far this brought you? you've learnt to notice the insignificant ones and touched their lives.. cause you just know how it feels to got unoticed (:
besides, being too high up there has it's problems too. i rmb you telling me once that you like it down here. too popular is bad.. that is why you chose this path in the first place? dont you rmb? the exact words..
"i want to be a girl who is not just noticed for being pretty outside, but inside too. cause inner beauty is what's gna last. and when the other girls loose their shine, when their empty, external beauty no longer attracts others, people will finally see what they've truly missed.. and oh boy! (:(: it may take long, and possibliy forever, but it's worth it. esp when you do not have to wonder if someone likes you for who you really are or is just lusting after you/ your looks. and reen, that's why you're special."


4) i seem so insignificant.
yes. welcome me to the club. i'm an attention seeker too.
like you said, i'm special. i want a special celebration too! i wna feel loved! i wna be so touched and cry too!

all i can say is, human nature..
reen, meet your dark side (:
and here's the challenge. OVERCOME IT.
rmb, the tougher the challenge, the greater the triumph..
all these years, you've worked so hard.. for purity, respect.. built for yourself a name, the happy, nice girl.. these doesnt come by easily knw. please dont screw it over little insignificant things. dont just look at the single piece of the puzzle.. see the entire picture. the sacrifice and hard work is all worth. it's a matter of choice reen. if you want this, you'll lose that. you need more self control.

yea. i want self control too.. i've been wanting it a long time.. too bad i alr used my bday wish! ah. silly me ):


5) some people are just so lucky.
i have two eyes. two GREEN eyes. green with envy and jealousy

do you realise that all these feelings are aroused because you're comparing? so stop comparing! look, you may not knw it, but she, too, wants something you have that she doesnt.. it's just that you're unaware of it. what you ask? you may never know.. so just be satisfied with what you have! rmb, more things may equal to more trouble! it's the circle or life! like jing jing from he lan chun said, when God gives you smthg, he takes away another.. you can't have everything.. honestly (:
and also, practically everyone is jealous of her la. so dont take it too hard on yourself yea? it's a normal girl thing.. good. you're developing fine :D


6) friends, please prove yourself to me. i dont feel you.
i need affirmation.
affirmation that goes beyond words.

and this is where trust comes in (:
on a more spiritual level, man will always fail you. but God'll never.. so, take your pick! who's your bestie?


7) you know, mo mo didnt event know it was my birthday. how lame.
actually, i dont even like you. i'm so deprived of good guys in my life till i fall for any close to the mark. i told you i wasnt desperate.. but i guess i am. not that you're a bad catch.. it's me.
am i not good enough?
am i.. weird?
i've heard it before.. so why not? ):
self confidence

this i have nothing to say.. i lack expertise and knowledge in this area. i use to be super shy abt guys la! haha. maybe still a little but (: but anyhow, the grey line still stands.. does it all truly come from experience??
ohwait. i do have something to say..
Mr Right is alr set aside for you. He's yours regardless. and you'll def like him (: dont worry. he's perfect for you. in fact, your were made for each other!


8) i want so many things. and you seem to have them all.
greed.

gosh. why are we back here again?! i think i kindda address this problem earlier on.. i think thay all have the same origin!

you're right. many people are jealous too. it's not her fault.. i think.
hmm.. but this makes me wonder.. to what extent is she.. real?
is she feigning it?
i mean, afterall, she does have like, a million besties. or so it seems..


9) i'm so tired. given up. what's the use??

what you sow, you reap? karma??
that's the use (:
well, all i have to say is..
what's there to lose by hanging on?
there's so much MORE to gain i tell you.
one life. live it with no regrets.. or minial regrets.
you wna die knwing you tried your best to hold on (:
besides, the fun times come with hurts. it's a package. so it's worth it i guess.


10) so much regrets. lost. hopeless. results in depression.

regrets are all part of life.. sigh. i miss the old me. actually it's not really old. it's still lurking somewhere in me.. the happy joyful smiley girl :D
find her please. i really miss her!
i like her alot! i really did!

but one question.. does it all disappear with innocence?

innocence not equal to purity btw (:



OH. AND ONE MORE THING..
or person, rather.
you!
i spent so much on your present, so much effort on your surprise,
YET,
YOU'RE SO UNGRATEFUL. basket.
YOUR PRESENT WAS PATHETIC.
YOU ANNOY ME MAKING YOURSELF SEEM YOU DID SO MUCH. like PLEASE lah! wth.
I SO DID NOT POSE YOU.
YOU POSE ME MORE LAH IDIOT.
I'M SO FREAKING PISSED WITH YOU.
I CANT STAND YOUR STUPID TANTRUMS ANY MORE.
I FEEL DRAINED BEING FRIENDS WITH YOU.
I FEEL TAKEN FOR GRANTED.
I FEEL FORGOTTEN.
I FEEL THAT ALL THIS WAS A BIG BIG MISTAKE.
SO WHAT ABOUT THE FUN TIMES?
THERE WERE MORE TEARS THAN LAUGHTER.
oh wait. you're not even WORTH my tears.

GROW UP LAH YOU!
grow up..
sigh. yea. reen needs to grow up too ):

hmm.. "thinkging through it all.." *adapted from my new song!* (i wish i cld let someone who will appreciate it, hear it..)

so looks like all along i'm the one hurting myself.
and how low can i sink.
how pathetic can i get.
i'm commenting on my own statements.
fine. i'm weird. no wonder.
urgh. get lost.
oh wait. i am alr lost.

and once again, Jesus. i really cant live without you.
see how torn my life is?

i need you.

it just happened /

Saturday, January 06, 2007

after reading the posts,
I FEEL GOOD!
haha. and to be honest, i think i've grown!
like, i learnt to tackle problems!
like for many many problems i didnt come back here!
whoo! i just dealt it with God.
and boy does it feel good.
i'm no longer helpless.
and like, need not have to sort it out myself.
ALRIGHT MAN!
this is happening?
yes it is.
boy oh boy.
keep going. keep going.

it just happened /

lost.
confused.
disappointed.

its the crossroads again.
and this time, there's two of them.
one abt school.
and the other abt this friend.
let's talk abt the friend first. he troubles me more than school.
apparently, i intentionally build a barrier up to prevent me from "losing it"
and now my flesh is telling me it's too much.
but actually it isnt.
yar. that's it.
it isnt.
but then why is it i feel like i'm missing smthg.
like i just lost this annoying thing that keeps going on.
and now that i hit it off.. i kindda miss it.
but i knw that i'll be disturbed by it if i turn it on again..
well, that is if i even am able to..
but part of me doesnt want to.
now which is the right voice?
obviously the one that says "slience is golden"
but then why does my heart tell me it's.. too much?
heart = flesh?
yes, i heard.
like soul. as in emotions.
and spirit suppose to me the biggest umbrella. the one on top.
so i guess slience it is.
so now, step two.
resist the freaking temptation.
i admit, as a girl, i feels nice to have attention.
esp after not having it for like, forever.
and when you reach a point that you're immune to it,
then it comes. what do you do?
PRECISELY. I DONT KNOW.
I FORGOT.
then finally, i knw how to deal with it.
so now it's gone.
and i kindda miss it.
i'm a girl!
why shouldnt i?
every muscle in my body has the right to feel this way.
esp the strongest muscle in my body.
my heart.
no use debating with it.
you can never win.
yet, you can never lose too.
cos you're in control.
well, at times the wrong fella.
like, once, it was the brain. screwed my life man.
so now, i pray, hard, that it's the spirit.
cos i dont want to sink in further.
i want to be free from it again.
no longer dependant or craving for it.
attention. what is it anw?
have anyone actually studied it's roots?
i bet it's sin.
bad. naughty. dirty.
run reen. run.

okay. and so it's decided. keep hanging on.
DONT GIVE IN.
stay hard to get. well, not really.
more like, not interested.
that's it (:
problem solved.
oh God, how i love this space for me (:

now school.
suddenly, i got my finger on it alr.
strange indeed, but well done!
one knot untied the other.
cool.
so jc it is.
keep hanging on. yes i will.

yay!

it just happened /

Thursday, March 09, 2006

yeh. m'i os yppah dayot i anw epyt ym tsop sdrawkcab.. ahah.

yrros fi uoy tnac daer ti. ym sdneirf era kcab rehtegot :)
dna ew era gnivah a revopeels siht keew!
ll'i peek ruoy detsop noos. i tog ot og won. llet uoy yhw rehtona emit. eyb.

knaht uoy susej

it just happened /

Saturday, February 25, 2006

this is shit.
everything is just shit.
but the shity-iest of them all,
is the shit ass who cause all if it.
damn you devil.

hands off my friends.
god gave them to me.
and only he can take them away.
go away. leave us alone.

i want jXXXXX XXXX back.
i want gXXXXX XXX back.

JESUS. PLEASE HOLD US TOGETHER. DONT LET ANYONE ELSE GET HURT.

jXXXXX:
iloveyou, i really do. i'm just gna say everything that my heart is telling me.
the devil has seriously brain-washed you. and you seem to just accept it. you cant be bothered to fight on. maybe because you feel that this friendship is not worth it. and sometimes i wonder why. were we ever close to your heart? was all the past JUST something else? are we not worth hanging on for? and why must you feel like someone is in the wrong? why do you think of gXXXXX this way? she really loves you. and when you said that she just wna leave the church to feel great, i felt like slapping you. HELLO? WAKE UP??!! since when is she ever like that? you seem to like "just know her".. what is all of this crap? why did you even say that? and i supose that the person you hate is her? since you pictured her this way? you're not the only one who is sick and tired of all these. i am too. and i just can seem to comprehend why YOU wna keep holding on to the unhappy stuff? what must WE do to make YOU stop sulking and finally become normal? you said you feel like gXXXXX is always forgiving you.. ask yourself, is it true? after everything's settled, you're still angry and sad and not talking to her. WHY? you think i'm brain washed by gXXXXX?? i'm not. i'm not siding her. dont you think that if everyone percieves things differently from what you, something is wrong with you? it just shows that you really appear to STILL not want to be back with us. even after we cleared the nXX sXX misunderstanding thing. if there's still something you wna say like jealousy, tell us. straight in the face! if gXXXXX has something against you and wna look great, then i'll get her to tell you straight in your face too. but now, the issue is, well, ninety percent you. you're angry cos gad is pretty and she has alot of admirers. but this cant be help. god gave that look to her. you can expect her to do anything about it. even if there is, shutting up abt it is not helping. and dont you think it is very selfish? it is not gXXXXX's fault and she's being punished for it? i mean, you're also pretty lorr. you have pple stalking you home, asking you for your nos. and jXXXXX tXXs there in case no one wants you. but there are so many pple who dont even have a guy that likes her. someone like.. ME. am i ugly? and i mean? am i stupid? am i lousy? i dont think so. but why dont i have guys drooling over me? well, i dont care. and i dont wna care. all i care is that you do and somehow you are still not satisfied with it. other than that, you're giving me the impression that you wna be the best. correct me if i'm wrong. but somehow, i feel like i've read all of this from your frekaing face. THEREFORE, AT LEAST HALF OF THIS IS TRUE.

jXXXXX, please. let these all go.
it's not your fault. i knw you dont wna feel this way too. and it's not easy. and you're blinded by the devil so you cant see clearly. and all those nasty things were said out of anger. but all these is NOT you. it's really the devil acctually. whether you wna believe me. up to you. if you one day read all of this and hate me, i wont blame you. cos i'm doing all of this out of my own free will. i rather see you and gXXXXX tgter agn then just keeping both of your to myself. beacause i love you guys so much. and if it costs me leaving. i really dont mind. as loving someone does not necessary mean you have to have them.



cXXXXXXX:
you either dont know anything, or know everything and refuse to say. so stop giving stupid useless hints. it made things worse. esp when your hints are dirrectly opp from the truth. i like you better whn you dont knw anything.
can help it? neither can i.


gXXXXX:
you keep saying you love her alot. then why still like that? very fun ah? can you please do what you can to stop this prob from deterioritating? it'll really help much more then just your empty words. i knw you friend friend the guys alot but giving all these up a while for jXXXXX will be all worth. guys so imp to you ah?? dont talk to them also sad. you said pretned their jXXXXXh like that. BUT THEY ARE NOT EVEN CLOSE TO THAT LEVEL. so please la. also, refrain from crying so much. esp in church. it makes everyone start to infer and point fingers. cos they all wna protect you. so naturally, they'll infer and blame jXXXXX, the person whom you're currently on bad terms with. it hapened during the eXXX alr. and that was bad enough. poor jXXXXX. pity pity. so let's not let phase three come. ohya. phase two occurred today if you didnt know. you cried again and made jXXXXX feel like a bitch. i felt like just slapping you too. so totally annoying and freaking un-understanding. ask you still dont wna say. still show me attitude when i asked for my money back. biangg. like i not enough probs alr. then later, jXXXXX ran aft you. so smart. i not left alone only. and i'm on bad terms with jXXXXX. cos she thinks i'm "yours". considering the fact that i ran aft you instead of going bowling with her like i said. THANKS ALOT.
ohya. one last thing. stop asking your sister to lie for you. that's so loser.
and dont under-estimate me. i'm not so stupid.



my apologies to all if i'm to harsh. but this is a trash can. everything's nasty.

I HAD TO LET ALL THESE DIRREOA OUT. SORRY.

it just happened /

Thursday, February 23, 2006

i'm back. i'm really really back on track. i feel great. but i'm slowly sliping away. i dont want to,

HOLD
ON
TO
ME
PLEASE

but i've thought about it, i need this trash can to trash out my thoughts. so i guess i'll be keeping it. it's quite a pretty dumping area. besides, life will never be perfect.. and i know, in future, i'll come across more stuff. like recently, my best friends, had a misunderstanding. now they're hurt and broken. the worse thing is that i can't do anything about it. and i tried. i did. and what did i get? nothing. i guess that if i do thing by my own strength, i cant do anything much. and that day, someone came into the picture, and sort of pushed me out of it. or maybe pulled me deeper in. making me feel like i made things worse :(
whatever the case is, i feel like vomitting everything out. and pretend that NOTHING HAPPEN. cause this is worse then being one of the pple getting hurt. imagine, THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU MOST OF THE TIME IS NOT TALKING, NOT SMILING AND YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. ya. "shit" would be a good word.


I'M
STUCK
IN
FREAK
SHIT

i hate it, get me out.
and in case you're like everyone else, claiming that they are not who they use to be,
HEY ASS. PEOPLE CHANGE OKAY. YOU DO TOO.

besides, in such a world, everyone loses themselves.
only some finds them back.

CONTROL. ALTERNATE. DELELTE.

it just happened /

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

I HAVE DECIDED, THIS IS NOT WORKING.
I FEEL WORSE INSTEAD OF FEELING BETTER.
THIE PLACE IS FILTHY.
I FEEL BAD.

WHEN:
-I GET KNOCKED BACK INTO MY SENSES,
-THE RAGE IS GONE,
-THE ICKY FEELING IS GONE,
-I FEEL YOU AGN,
-MY HEART IS MENDED TO IT'S ORIGINAL STATE,
-THE DEVIL IS DEFEATED IN ME,
-I CAN CONTROL MY FEELINGS AGN,
-MY FRIENDS STOP DOING IT TO ME,
-I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY,

AND WHEN I FINALLY WANT TO,

I'LL DELETE THIS SHIT ONCE AND FOR ALL.
I'LL GO BACK TO MY LIFE,
MY REAL LIFE.

damnit.

it just happened /

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

i'm facing up to reality. we all know, life is'nt easy. so i created this space to rant whenever i want too. whoever that pops by here for no reason or ryme, dont read my post no matter what. cause i'm afraid of passing on my bitterness to others. the only reason why i post it on a WORLD WIDE WEB where it is accesible to everyone, is because having a diary is not my thing. and i know it. cause i've given up abt FIVE blogs. this is like a trash can. an avenue for me to let everything out and stop holding on to it inside. I OFFICIALLY OPEN THIS BLOG AS OF NOW.

it just happened /

breezed past me

designer

credits to you but I edited it

originally

me; myself; but i lost them


iloveu+

god (:
jesus (:
holy spirit (:
angels (:

spit it in my face

where's the encouragement you promised?
i need it. wait till i get my hands on a cbox

spice
spoilt
spam
spit